Paula Tracey
A Tarnished Southern Belle

After a stressful week with travel and work, I came home to deal with the stress of taking the oldest to the psychiatrist.  His recommendation is to pull her out of school, but not do a GED.

In research, I have found alternative ways for her to get her high school diploma.  There are two or three well known universities that have programs for distance learning for high school kids that are not being served by their schools.  Basically, home schooling with all the course work available from the university via the internet.

I’ve already discussed the issue with the Ex and based on the conversation with the Vice Principal, he is all aboard, although he wants to fight the school a tad longer to make a point of how the needs of highly gifted and emotionally stressed kids is not being met.

I now have a deadline.  I need to get a program picked, official transcripts picked up, kid withdrawn from current school and enrolled in new high school with at least two weeks of attendance by December 12th.

The oldest child asked me if I would home school her last night.  She has been asking for the last year or so, but last night she was finally able to make her case in a way that I understood.  She is struggling to function at school - not because of the work she is tasked with, but because she is emotionally/mentally unable to deal with the sheer volume of kids - the noise level, the number of kids in each class as well as in the hall.

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There is a pile of laundry next to me on the bed, but to be honest, I’m trying to pretend it isn’t there.  I know that doesn’t get it done, and procrastination is not always the best thing in the word to do, but I am.  Procrastinating.  Because today is my last full day at home before the traveling craziness of November hits.

What I want to do is go to Barnes and Noble.  I want to get a cup of coffee and peruse books.  There is a book by Samara O’Shea that I am wanting to pick up about the art of writing letters, and if they don’t have it, I’m sure I will find something else to peak my interest.  I joined Soldier’s Angels, after a suggestion from Melissa and sending a weekly letter to a couple of soldiers has reminded me that the art of writing letters is truly becoming lost in so many ways.

I love email.  And the immediacy of text messages.  But the downside is that if you don’t respond immediately, it’s as if you are ignoring someone, when, in all honesty, you aren’t.  Letters and cards are different.  They arrive quietly and can be savored - and it’s ok that if and when you respond, you take your time.  It’s also something you can tuck into your pocket and read again.

There is just something more intimate about a letter - or a handwritten note inside a card - than there is to an email or a text.  So, I’ve made it a personal mission to begin sending cards and letters to friends besides just my weekly letters to my two Army guys. So, don’t be surprised if, for reasons like birthdays and holidays, or even no reason at all, you discover a card or letter in YOUR little mailbox.

By the way, I have discovered new cards that I love.  They are from Curly Girl Designs.  This one is sitting on the shelf above my desk -my inspirational spot…. and in case you can’t read it, it says…

“She packed up her potential, and all she had learned, grabbed a cute pair of shoes, and headed out to change a few things.”

Peace out.  Laundry can wait a little longer, I think.  I have some cards to address.  And coffee waiting for me at Barnes and Noble……

The eighty-give hour week really did a number on me.  I still feel as if I haven’t caught up on my sleep yet!  And that’s pretty damned pathetic - or is it that I am getting old?

I was in the habit of writing regularly - and for a change being really honest with where I was in my head.  Those last few weeks before the document went to the printer were simply murder on that.  But I feel as if I’m getting it back.  We shall see.

Today, I spent some time with Buddy Boy.  I so totally forgot how much FUN some things can be.  It was a very good thing…..

It took a long time, but after trying to make things work out with “The Boy”, I finally realized that the issue of our relationship wasn’t me. It was him. (yes, I know it takes two.  I know it isn’t all him.  But I finally realized that it wasn’t all ME.)

It’s funny how we get things ingrained in our minds. For my entire marriage, nothing I ever did was good enough for my husband and after almost four years of a quasi-relationship with a man I did do love, I had determined that I wanted – no needed – more than the relationship was giving me. Though my friends advised me, I accepted his request to visit. I did my best to make it clear to him that this was a “last chance” to see if it could work.  And I admit that he DID try.  He was on time, he had a cold bottle of water waiting for me, he said “thank you” at the appropriate times.  But he also didn’t recognize the sacrifices I made to be there.   thought I was clear - very clear - about what I both needed and wanted - he seemed to forget much of it.   It’s good that I went, though.  It didn’t give me closure so to speak, but it did help me with the perspective.

Contrast that with this morning.

I am in Connecticut visiting NYG.  He is more than gracious and both shows me and tells me that he appreciates me.  Almost the first words out of his mouth this morning are “you look beautiful this morning”.  I am sitting on his couch with the golden autumn outside the patio door as he sleeps a little more.  The walls are covered with art - mostly photos he has taken.  He has made me feel welcome - and at home.

I have no clue where this is going to go at all, but it’s comfortable in many ways.  And that’s a very good thing for me.

I am still pretty blocked up in a lot of ways.  I try to write but the words just don’t flow like they used to.  But I feel them beginning to loosen up.   I am breathing…nice and cleansing breaths that go down to my stomach instead of the shallow throat breathing I was doing a couple of weeks ago.  I think that’s more the relief of phase one of the work stuff being completed and a bit of a break before phase two begins.

I think that’s it for now.  I’m going to fix a fresh cup of coffee and go out on the patio and feel the cold air and smell autumn.

I realized today that I have been living a life much too vanilla for me.

Work is exahusting me.

that is all.

Last night was the full moon and I was feeling the affects before and after… Emotional, moody, etc.

I’ve not reached a full conclusion about The Boy other than I think it’s time to move on.  It’s hard because I love him, but I am worth more than this.  I need my own needs met and not to always meet others.

I had dinner on Sunday as well as tonight with a gent that I have known for two years.  Lets call him NYG (New York Guy) ’cause he is from New York, though he now lives in Connecticut.  I have had a business relationship in the past but his personal situation has changed and we decided to start fresh.  Sunday was a fun dinner, then we grabbed a cab to visit my favorite memorial - Lincoln.  He had never been there and there is something just so magical about visiting at night, especially with the moon almost full.  We walked along for a bit, to the Vietnam Memorial and then grabbed a cab back so that I could be dropped at my hotel and he could go to his.  Tonight, we had dinner at a wonderful Tuscan restraunt - shared dinner, a bottle of wine, cappucinos and dessert and lots of conversation.  There was some nice kissing in the cab and then he behaved as a gentleman and dropped me at my hotel.

We shall see where it goes.

The Major is still in the picture.  We have plans for a late dinner on Friday and breakfast on Saturday…..

I am glad, by the way, that the full moon is over and hope that after the fall equinox, it will be much smoother.

Last month, I pondered on the status of my relationship with The Boy.  Last night was our planned evening in DC and we basically slept and had dinner and then slept.

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Tomorrow is the 7th Anniversary of 9/11.

I haven’t forgotten the day in any way, however, I had forgotten…that it was so close.

This morning as I was struggling with a sipping a cup of coffee and comprehending the newspaper, it hit me.  That’s why I have been so incredibly blue - this unexplained artifically inflated sadness.  Trust me, I was getting tired of my emotional self. (more…)