Paula Tracey
A Tarnished Southern Belle

Last month, I pondered on the status of my relationship with The Boy.  Last night was our planned evening in DC and we basically slept and had dinner and then slept.

In all honesty, I am in desperately need of relaxation, but though the earlier nap was good, I couldn’t really settle into sleep until well after midnight.  I have mixed feelings right now because  I love him… but more and more the relationship is simply not giving me what I need.  I know that this is a hard week for him but the acceptance of affection and caring has to come back to me.  It makes me feel like a bad person….selfish…that I am wanting something more from him…and I didn’t bring it up because my instincts told me it would be a wasted discussion.  I asked him to just give me a call one day next week.

I am really confused, to be honest, what it is I am wanting.

The thought of another marriage truly scares me - mainly because I am afraid of losing myself again.  Those who knew me during the last years of my marriage know that I had become this other person….edgy all the time, snappy, feeling as if nothing I ever did was good enough.  For the first time in my life, I am living an independent life and I don’t want to give that up.

But.

I want more than the existence of only working.  I don’t want a committed relationship ’cause I don’t know if I can do it - but I do want more of a personal relationship.  Someone that looks forward to seeing me and treats me as if I matter - and not as if it is expected of me because I’m a nice person.

I am not one of these women that feels I need a man to complete me, however I do appreciate male company and sex is a need and not a want.

The Boy has always been a good person to plug the need for me….because he doesn’t want a commitment from me  - understands my commitment to my career…..   But now I am wanting a bit more than that because he is such a crap shoot when it comes to meeting MY needs.  I am a firm believer, by the way, that no ONE man can fulfill all the needs a woman may have and that is why multiple men are necessary to a her life…

But how do you walk away from a 4 year relationship - to someone you truly love - just because of a rougher couple of visits.

I don’t want to be a selfish  or meanspirited person.  I never want to demand more from someone that they are capable of…. I’ve worked too long to get back to my REAL self and to a position where I felt my karma was in this amazingly good and clear place.

How is it that you figure out what you truly want when you’ve been through what I have been through when it comes to men, relationships, etc?