Last month, I pondered on the status of my relationship with The Boy. Last night was our planned evening in DC and we basically slept and had dinner and then slept.
I had this amazing day today. I missed the 8 AM Mass at St. Patricks, however, I made the 10 AM Mass. It was only 4 blocks away from the hotel - an old, lovely church. Small, beautiful stained glass windows everywhere.
Then, I had a blind date of sorts that turned out to be amazing. We went to brunch as a starter….then he was the perfect gentleman and offered me his arm as we strolled down the street. Portrait Gallery. Then this amazing and relaxing afternoon…then dinner before he had to drive back to Quantico. We made plans to do something a week from Friday for sure - and hopefully this week before I head back home…
Am exhausted and heading to bed. But I wanted to write pieces of this down before I forget what an amazing day I had…
I’m back to listening to country most of the time. The Wreckers are on my Itunes a lot lately….and I find myself wondering how writers of songs are able to put so few words together and create such a picture in your mind. Though it has it’s critics, the roots of Country music are rooted in the every day of life. When I picked the song “songs about me” for my category, the lyrics were important: “songs about loving and living and good hearted women and family and God” as well as “songs about scars and cars and broken hearts”.
But the lyrics of various songs make me…wonder….about the people behind the songs. What a writer has lived before he or she came up with the lyrics. Writers, you see, I think, are better if they have lived a little bit of life.
I haven’t done any writing, but one particular novel has been playing in my head. I am in that woolgathering stage, though, to be honest, the bulk of my research - living of some lifestyle - has been done. I am fortunate enough to chat with many writers about how they write, and for this particular arc, I would say I’ve done the front-loaded research. Now to just get it on paper and in a loose enough format to try and workshop it.
Stand Still, Look Pretty
I want to paint my face
and pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don’t even wanna look at myselfBut people have problems that are worse than mine
I don’t want you to think I’m complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over(Chorus;)
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you’d take a walk in my shoes for a start
And you might think its easy being me
You just stand still, look prettySometimes I find myself shaking
in the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can’t
even believe this is my lifeBut people have problems that are worse than mine
I don’t want you to think I’m complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go an shut their mouth
I’m not strong enough to deal with it
That, by the way, is a perfect song for mid-way through where my character will be. Because, as any good heroine should know, there are moments of falling apart….sometimes into lots of little pieces, before you can pick up and rebuild it.
On a different side of the page, though, is MY life, not the life of characters in my head. Sometimes, it is seeming like a country song - which, cannot, in all honesty be a good thing. I love men. I do. but I am struggling with the wants of wanting and needing - and not wanting. At times, I am wanting a little more in my life than what I have in the world of men in my life, especially “the Boy”. But when I think on it, I know that he fulfills only a very small number of my needs. He is an easy fallback for some of my needs, though, because he fills them well 
It came down to a textual discussion this week…to discussed the status where this thing we call a relationship is. He calls it friends, but it isn’t my definition of friends. However, he wants it where it stands now…and “can’t do more than that right now”. I told him that I always want him sexually, but when it comes to emotionally, it is where I fail. I love him. I do. But the in-love part isn’t there because he doesn’t meet the needs of I have for a partner in the sense of giving and taking.
Tags: Big, Love, Men, Sex and the City, WritingI think I’ve always been a horoscope checker for as long as I have been a reader. I can remember reading my horoscope in Teen Magazine as well as the local paper as a kid, as well as buying the “Year of Horoscope” type books when I was old enough to have my own way to get to a bookstore. Since 2003, the main source has been Tarot.Com. Though I love the daily newspaper, the internet has replaced it as my source for the daily horoscope. Each morning, I wake to find my horoscope there waiting for me, right in my own little in-box.
Now, I do take it with a grain of salt, but overall, I find the tone fits…at least the ones I get from Tarot.Com. At times, I am amazed how very “spot on” they really are. Today says:
Tuesday, Aug 5th, 2008 — Your key planet Venus can run you through a gamut of emotions today, motivating you to go out on a limb in search of satisfaction. But fulfillment doesn’t come easily to you now because your needs are strong and your hopes are high. You can take some of the pressure off the current situation by being grateful for what you have instead of expecting more.
I have known “the Boy” for three years and eight months. It’s the on-and-off thing that you know will likely never work to always on. I had decided I was satisfied with wher ethe relationship was, but of course, now we have moved into that withdrawal stage again. I question it, even though I know that I am too busy with work to actually see him, I want him to want to see me. It’s incredibly fucked up way to think. It’s the last liine of the horoscope that points me in the direction my mind has been, but is struggling to get back to: “being grateful for what you have instead of expecting more.” I want his love and affection. I want him to want me. I don’t like the roller coaster of emotions when he does the whole freak-out-pull-away thing.
Recently, I’ve realized that I don’t want the traditional life right now. I’ve already done the white-picket-fence thing and I don’t want that anymore. I like the comfort of a man who is caring and I love being with a man who is an amazing lover. But the voice of my upbringing begins to get to me at times and the little voices in my head tell me I should be wanting more. I should want a committment and monogomy. But the true logic in my head tells me that I know I don’t want to be tied down. I don’t know if I will be satisfied with monogomy.
I go through spells of wanting only “the Boy”. But I ask myself in those moments, is it because the sex is so good and most men’s skills don’t compare? Or is it that a new relationship would take more time and energy than I honestly have to devote to it? He’s an easy crutch, and seeing him about once every 3 to 7 weeks satisfies most of my needs.
it’s hard to struggle with your upbringing. To settle against the life you are expected to live VS the life you are comfortable in. Thing is, I am pretty damned comfortable in my skin right now. I have settled into this Road Warrior type life, and though I get lonely on the road a little bit, I’d rather be living like THIS…feeling content and happy with where my life is at this moment…than living in house with the white picket fence, the dog and 2 1/2 kids I’m supposed to have - and feeling unsatisfied and incredibly unhappy.
The horoscope is right. I think I need to be grateful today for what I have. I am a hell of a lot more satisified than I was five years ago. And it seems to get better each and every passing day.
Tags: horoscope, Love Life, monogomy