Paula Tracey
A Tarnished Southern Belle

It took a long time, but after trying to make things work out with “The Boy”, I finally realized that the issue of our relationship wasn’t me. It was him. (yes, I know it takes two.  I know it isn’t all him.  But I finally realized that it wasn’t all ME.)

It’s funny how we get things ingrained in our minds. For my entire marriage, nothing I ever did was good enough for my husband and after almost four years of a quasi-relationship with a man I did do love, I had determined that I wanted – no needed – more than the relationship was giving me. Though my friends advised me, I accepted his request to visit. I did my best to make it clear to him that this was a “last chance” to see if it could work.  And I admit that he DID try.  He was on time, he had a cold bottle of water waiting for me, he said “thank you” at the appropriate times.  But he also didn’t recognize the sacrifices I made to be there.   thought I was clear - very clear - about what I both needed and wanted - he seemed to forget much of it.   It’s good that I went, though.  It didn’t give me closure so to speak, but it did help me with the perspective.

Contrast that with this morning.

I am in Connecticut visiting NYG.  He is more than gracious and both shows me and tells me that he appreciates me.  Almost the first words out of his mouth this morning are “you look beautiful this morning”.  I am sitting on his couch with the golden autumn outside the patio door as he sleeps a little more.  The walls are covered with art - mostly photos he has taken.  He has made me feel welcome - and at home.

I have no clue where this is going to go at all, but it’s comfortable in many ways.  And that’s a very good thing for me.

I am still pretty blocked up in a lot of ways.  I try to write but the words just don’t flow like they used to.  But I feel them beginning to loosen up.   I am breathing…nice and cleansing breaths that go down to my stomach instead of the shallow throat breathing I was doing a couple of weeks ago.  I think that’s more the relief of phase one of the work stuff being completed and a bit of a break before phase two begins.

I think that’s it for now.  I’m going to fix a fresh cup of coffee and go out on the patio and feel the cold air and smell autumn.